My Laughter
by Miranda Crystal-Bearer
Summary: Inu-Yasha's thoughts on Kagome, and other things on his mind.


I raise my head and look across the fire at you. Your bright brown eyes sparkle as you laugh with them. I smile, but do not laugh. I've not laughed for so long. Not truly. But now, watching you smile, I can feel my laughter coming back. It's like that, when I am around you. Things I'd forgotten come back. Memories I thought I'd lost. Smiles, laughter, appreciating the sun on my face. Your eyes are so bright, and innocent. So much what I am not.  
  
The others....they do not affect me this way. Do you know, Kagome? Do you know what it is you do to me? I can't explain it. I have no words for it. You make something half-forgotten rise in my heart. I do not know what it is, but I have found that I welcome it. When you smile, I feel one on my face. When you laugh, I can almost laugh again. You are so young....I know you are almost a woman, but your innocence, your optimism....it makes you seem young, a child, unwise to the ways of the world. And I find myself wanting to protect that innocence at all costs. I don't want you to lose that sparkle in your eyes. Despite all that we have done, you still smile.  
  
Do you realize, yet, why I do not laugh? My laughter was stolen from me the day they killed my mother. They did not hesitate when they struck the sword through her heart. As for the demon whelp, they tied me in a sack with a stone and threw me in the river. Drown like the dog I am, huh? I suppose an unwanted mutt deserves no less. A cross-breed has nothing to call their own, you know. No one wants them, tainted as they are.  
  
And yet you welcome me. You are kind to me. Even when I am angry and hurt you, you still come back, usually smiling. That smile.... It touches my heart in ways I can't explain with words. It touches me in a way Kiyko never did.  
  
Kiyko. She confuses me. She always has. My heart tells me one thing, and my mind says another. She was kind to me, and offered something I hungered for. Friendship. My starving heart latched onto her kindness, and I was always near her. I was selfish, I now realize. I protected her merely because she was the only source of gentleness I had. I do not think I ever truly loved her. I desired her friendship. Make no mistake; it was precious to me. It was something I had needed for so long. I am grateful for it, and wish I had done more for her. Yet I cannot help but realize how arrogant, how brash I was. How selfish. I said I loved her, but only because I wanted to keep her close. Only because I hungered for that friendship. And now the evil has returned to me. Kiyko's new form uses me, draws on that friendship, and manipulates my heart in the way she needs. I suppose I deserve no less.  
  
And you..... Kagome, I find that in so many ways I use you. I am sorry. I draw close to you and find what moves you most....then in anger I use it against you, turning you the way I want. Forgive me, if you can. I am sorry.  
  
I can see you looking at me now, wondering why I am so distant from the others, from you. It is my only defense. Distance, anger, hatred....these are my weapons against the world that has rejected me since before I can remember. Half-breeds have nothing. It is rare to find tolerance, never mind such kindness as you have shown to me. Kindness....you have offered me such friendship. Love, even, though perhaps you do not recognize it. Continuously you offer this to me, even when I show you only anger in return. In truth, I become angry because I am afraid.   
  
It is not much I fear, but I fear you and your love. I am afraid to let you past my walls of defense. I did once, and Kiyko turned on me. I cannot tell you how badly that hurt. Rejected again, scorned for what I am....a mutt with no place in this world. I am afraid you will do the same. My heart is starving, dying because I will not let myself trust you, because I fear rejection, pain. And yet I long to trust you. You have shown me so much kindness, and acceptance.  
  
Ah, you see my thoughtful face, and ask me what I'm thinking about. You, I wish to say. But the others are watching, listening. "Nothing," I reply, and rise. Down to the river I walk, half hoping you will follow.  
  
Kagome....do you know what it is that you do to me?   
  
My desperate denial of what you do is fading. I cannot protect my heart if it is dead. But....I still cannot let you close. What I am is a cross-breed, a dog without heritage. Pain is my companion, constantly there. I cannot let it touch you, steal that sparkle from your bright eyes. Also.... I am beginning to lose control more often. My demon blood rises and I cannot fight it. I am afraid that I will one day kill you. My soul is being eaten away.....I can no longer hear your voice, though I can still see your face. Someday, I know, I will lose that too. And with these claws I will take your life. I cannot let you close.  
  
"Inu-Yasha?"  
  
I turn. You have followed me to the river, quietly standing behind me. I study your face, trying to etch every line, every shadow, into my memory, that I may never forget it. Softly, you come to sit beside me.  
  
"Penny for your thoughts," you offer.  
  
"They're not worth a penny," I reply gruffly.  
  
Your face turns serious. "They are to me," you reply.  
  
I close my eyes. Your words touch my heart, and it begins to warm. I cannot let this happen. And yet....and yet.... I cannot fight it. Your hand touches mine. I open my eyes to your warm smile. The gentle sparkle in your eyes is there, innocent and rich. Your hand squeezes mine gently. How casually you touch me! As though it means nothing to you. As though you expect to always be here, so close...... I close my hand around yours.  
  
Kagome, do you know what it is you do to me?  
  
When your eyes turn to me with surprise, I realize I have spoken aloud. Shame-faced, I turn my face away from you, trying to slide my hand from your grip. But you hold on, and draw my hand to you, covering it with both of yours, pulling my gaze back to yours. Curious, expectant, you ask, "what?"  
  
You bring me back to life.   
  
"You make me feel...as though I can laugh again," I answer, my other hand drifting to cover yours. You smile, and lean towards me, bringing one hand up to softly rest on my shoulder. My heart surges, alive and hungry within me. Softly, I reach to you, and pull you close, cradling your form against my chest, burying my face in your sweet hair. You stiffen, surprised, and for a moment try to pull away. Then, to my delight, you relax, wrapping your arms around my neck.  
  
Kagome....you are my laughter.  
  
"I promise I will always protect you," I whisper fiercely. I mean it with all that I am. You whisper my name, lifting your head to look me in the face. You are smiling, sweetly and without a hint of sorrow. I can feel a smile forming on my face, hiding the sudden tears that have sprung to my eyes. Kagome, I promise I will protect you always, no matter what.   
  
But can I protect you from myself? 


End file.
